[17:23–24] Duties toward Parents in the Quran: Respect, Justice, and Conscience

Author: Berk KÖKSAL
Date: October 26, 2026
Place: Mersin

The purpose of this article is to contemplate 17:23-24 alongside related verses, asking what bearing witness to the oneness of GOD requires of us in family life: knowledge, justice, truthfulness, mercy, and submission.

Peace. Peace be upon you.

When we speak of honoring parents, we usually think of familiar things: do not shout, help them, speak gently, and be present as they grow older. All of these matter. But what if a child hears two different accounts of reality in the same family? If one parent prevents the child from seeing the other, what does honoring both parents mean? And what if an adult child announces an intention to marry, only to hear a father say, “If you do not give me money, you cannot stay in this house”?

I find these questions difficult precisely because they cannot be answered by automatically choosing a side. Loving one’s mother does not require erasing one’s father. Loving one’s father does not require treating one’s mother as an enemy. A father may sincerely worry about the future of a child who wants to marry. Yet his concern does not automatically turn every financial demand into a command from GOD. I do not want the pain in a family story to persuade me to pronounce judgment before I know what happened.

In my earlier reflection, Who Are ‘Those in Charge Among You’ in 4:59?, I considered the boundary between responsibility and absolute authority. That boundary matters inside a family too. Being a parent gives a relationship profound moral weight. It does not make every parental statement beyond examination. At the same time, questioning a parent is not a license to humiliate them. I want to reflect on the difficult space between these two boundaries.

Summary

17:23

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَٰنًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا

Your Lord has decreed that you shall not worship except Him, and your parents shall be honored. As long as one or both of them live, you shall never say to them, “Uff” (the slightest gesture of annoyance), nor shall you shout at them; you shall treat them amicably.

Senin Rabbin, O’ndan başkasına tapmamanızı ve ebeveynlerinize hürmet gösterilmesini hükme bağlamıştır. Onlardan biri ya da her ikisi yaşadığı sürece, onlara asla “Öf” deme (rahatsız edici en ufak bir davranış), onlara bağırma da; onlara dostça davran.

Source: kuranteyit.com

17:24 — And lower for them the wings of humility, and kindness, and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them, for they have raised me from infancy.”

31:15 — If they try to force you to set up any idols beside Me, do not obey them. But continue to treat them amicably in this world. You shall follow only the path of those who have submitted to Me. Ultimately, you all return to Me, then I will inform you of everything you have done.

2:233 — Divorced mothers shall nurse their infants two full years, if the father so wishes. The father shall provide the mother’s food and clothing equitably. No one shall be burdened beyond his ability. No mother shall beharmed on account of her infant, nor shall the father be harmed because of his infant. (If the father dies), his inheritor shall assume these responsibilities. If the infant’s parents mutually agree to part, after due consultation, they commit no error by doing so. You commit no error by hiring nursing mothers, so long as you pay them equitably. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is Seer of everything you do.

4:135 — O you who believe, you shall be absolutely equitable, and observe GOD, when you serve as witnesses, even against yourselves, or your parents, or your relatives. Whether the accused is rich or poor, GOD takes care of both. Therefore, do not be biased by your personal wishes. If you deviate or disregard (this commandment), then GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do.

24:32 — You shall encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your male and female servants, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them from His grace. GOD is Bounteous, Knower.

1. Honoring Parents: Where the Command Begins

Verse

17:23

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَٰنًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا

Your Lord has decreed that you shall not worship except Him, and your parents shall be honored. As long as one or both of them live, you shall never say to them, “Uff” (the slightest gesture of annoyance), nor shall you shout at them; you shall treat them amicably.

Senin Rabbin, O’ndan başkasına tapmamanızı ve ebeveynlerinize hürmet gösterilmesini hükme bağlamıştır. Onlardan biri ya da her ikisi yaşadığı sürece, onlara asla “Öf” deme (rahatsız edici en ufak bir davranış), onlara bağırma da; onlara dostça davran.

Source: kuranteyit.com

17:24 — And lower for them the wings of humility, and kindness, and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them, for they have raised me from infancy.”

Reflection on the Verse

In 17:23, two commands stand side by side: worshiping none but GOD and honoring one’s parents. Their proximity gives the second command extraordinary weight. Yet the two commands are not identical. Honoring my parents can be part of my devotion to GOD; it cannot mean replacing GOD with my parents. The verse speaks of avoiding even the smallest gesture of annoyance, not raising one’s voice, and treating them amicably.

Verse 17:24 carries the matter beyond appearances. Humility, kindness, and prayer belong together. When I disagree with someone close to me, I may become so focused on being right that I forget to examine the manner in which I speak. But proving a point does not automatically justify my tone. I may need to refuse something without insulting the person making the request.

I need to draw a line at the outset. These verses do not say that every request made by a mother or father must be fulfilled in every family dispute. They describe reverence and conduct. They do not prescribe visitation hours after divorce, or establish the terms under which an adult child may continue living in a parent’s home. If I claim more than the words establish, I risk turning a beautiful duty into an instrument of pressure over another person.

Verse references: 17:23-24.

2. A Mother’s Labor, a Father’s Presence, and the Justice of Gratitude

Verse

31:14 — We enjoined the human being to honor his parents. His mother bore him, and the load got heavier and heavier. It takes two years (of intensive care) until weaning. You shall be appreciative of Me, and of your parents. To Me is the ultimate destiny.

46:15 — We enjoined the human being to honor his parents. His mother bore him arduously, gave birth to him arduously, and took intimate care of him for thirty months. When he reaches maturity, and reaches the age of forty,* he should say, “My Lord, direct me to appreciate the blessings You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and to do the righteous works that please You. Let my children be righteous as well. I have repented to You; I am a submitter.”

Reflection on the Verse

The mother’s burden in 31:14 grows heavier and heavier. Verse 46:15 draws attention to the hardship of pregnancy, birth, and intimate care. I cannot read those words and treat motherhood as a mere title. Behind the child’s arrival in this world stands a demanding, sustained labor. Gratitude has to remember it.

Yet I notice something equally important: 31:14 calls for appreciation of both parents. Remembering the mother’s sacrifices does not amount to a command to erase the father. If the couple separates, the child’s appreciation for one parent need not become a denial of the other’s existence. This is a moral inference from reading the verses together, not a declaration that I know the history of a particular family.

Imagine a girl being told, “I raised you, so you must not speak to your father.” There may be real sacrifice behind those words. But a sacrifice and a demand to reject someone else are not the same thing. A child may be grateful to the parent who cared for her and still miss the parent from whom she has been separated. I hesitate to use the Quran’s recognition of maternal care as a weapon against that longing. Gratitude should make a person more attentive to truth, not less willing to acknowledge it.

Verse references: 31:14, 46:15.

3. Are Respect and Obedience the Same Thing?

Verse

31:15 — If they try to force you to set up any idols beside Me, do not obey them. But continue to treat them amicably in this world. You shall follow only the path of those who have submitted to Me. Ultimately, you all return to Me, then I will inform you of everything you have done.

29:8 — We enjoined the human being to honor his parents. But if they try to force you to set up idols beside Me, do not obey them. To Me is your ultimate return, then I will inform you of everything you had done.

Reflection on the Verse

These verses establish a crucial boundary within family affection. Verse 31:15 commands a person not to obey parents who attempt to force idolatry; immediately afterward, it requires continued amicable treatment of those same parents. Refusing a command and dishonoring a person are therefore not interchangeable acts. Without that distinction, I may call every disagreement rebellion or every boundary a failure of love.

The immediate subject of 31:15 is coercion into idolatry. I must say that plainly. It does not provide a specific ruling about a father demanding household money or a mother preventing contact after divorce. It does, however, show that parental authority is not without limits and that respectful companionship can continue when a particular demand cannot be obeyed. That is an important ethical distinction, even though it cannot settle every practical case by itself.

In We Found Our Parents Doing This: Can Inherited Belief Be Evidence of Truth?, I reflected on why a claim does not become true simply because it comes from our parents. Here the same caution serves a different question: preserving the freedom to examine a demand need not destroy gratitude for the people who raised us.

An adult child can decline a father’s demand without speaking cruelly to him. A daughter can hear her mother’s account of the father and still ask whether it is complete, without humiliating her mother. If the child is young, however, it would be unjust to place adult responsibilities for resolving the conflict upon her. The call to moral responsibility must never become an excuse for burdening a child with tasks the adults themselves have failed to perform.

Verse references: 31:15, 29:8, 17:23.

4. Does Kindness to Family Include Financial Responsibility?

Verse

4:36 — You shall worship GOD alone—do not associate anything with Him. You shall regard the parents, the relatives, the orphans, the poor, the related neighbor, the unrelated neighbor, the close associate, the traveling alien, and your servants. GOD does not like the arrogant show-offs.

2:215 — They ask you about giving: say, “The charity you give shall go to the parents, the relatives, the orphans, the poor, and the traveling alien.” Any good you do, GOD is fully aware thereof.

Reflection on the Verse

Verse 4:36 places parents and relatives among people whose needs and rights require our attention. Verse 2:215 includes parents among the recipients of charity. Kindness is therefore not merely a matter of pleasant words. People close to us may have real material needs. It would be easy for me to speak beautifully of respect while ignoring someone who genuinely depends upon help.

Yet two opposite claims go too far. One says a child bears no material responsibility toward parents under any circumstances. The other says parents may claim all of a child’s earnings simply because they are parents. These verses do not establish that second proposition. Caring for someone, donating, and dealing equitably with need are not the same as taking money through intimidation. A genuine household need can be discussed; a reasonable contribution can be agreed upon.

This distinction will matter when we reach the marriage example. If a father is struggling to meet basic household expenses, an adult child with an income may have good reason to contribute. But whether the statement “Pay me or leave this house” is just cannot be determined merely by the identity of the person saying it. We need to know why money is requested, what amount is involved, what the child can afford, and whether the demand is being used to punish a decision to marry.

Verse references: 4:36, 2:215, 17:23-24.

5. When Parents Divorce, What Changes in the Child’s World?

Verse

4:35 — If a couple fears separation, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family; if they decide to reconcile, GOD will help them get together. GOD is Omniscient, Cognizant.

2:229 — Divorce may be retracted twice. The divorced woman shall be allowed to live in the same home amicably, or leave it amicably. It is not lawful for the husband to take back anything he had given her. However, the couple may fear that they may transgress GOD’s law. If there is fear that they may transgress GOD’s law, they commit no error if the wife willingly gives back whatever she chooses. These are GOD’s laws; do not transgress them. Those who transgress GOD’s laws are the unjust.

Reflection on the Verse

A marriage may reach a point where the couple cannot continue together. Verse 4:35 speaks of appointing arbitrators when separation is feared. Verse 2:229 describes the possibility of an amicable separation. To me, these verses challenge the assumption that a failed marriage must become an endless war between the people who once shared it.

For a child, perhaps the heaviest part of divorce is not that the parents no longer share a home. It may be the experience of carrying their grievances. “If you call him, you will hurt me.” “If you do not come to see me, you do not love me.” Either sentence can make a child feel guilty for an affection she did not choose to have. Those are contemporary examples, not quotations from the verses. I am considering them in light of the Quran’s attention to amicable conduct and reconciliation.

Verse 4:35 concerns the couple’s threatened separation. It does not prescribe a universal child-contact mediation procedure. Yet its emphasis on hearing more than one side helps me recognize the limits of one person’s anger. Two adults may be unable to remain married. They may still have to ask whether their conflict is being allowed to consume the child’s relationship with each of them.

Verse references: 4:35, 2:229.

6. Leaving Revenge Behind Without Abandoning Justice

Verse

2:231 — If you divorce the women, once they fulfill their interim (three menstruations), you shall allow them to live in the same home amicably, or let them leave amicably. Do not force them to stay against their will, as a revenge. Anyone who does this wrongs his own soul. Do not take GOD’s revelations in vain. Remember GOD’s blessings upon you, and that He sent down to you the scripture and wisdom to enlighten you. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is aware of all things.

65:2 — Once the interim is fulfilled, you may reconcile with them equitably, or go through with the separation equitably. You shall have two equitable witnesses witness the divorce before GOD. This is to enlighten those who believe in GOD and the Last Day. Anyone who reverences GOD, He will create an exit for him.

Reflection on the Verse

Verse 2:231 prohibits using a marital situation to force a woman to stay as an act of revenge. Verse 65:2 calls for equitable separation and witnesses. These are divorce provisions. They do not directly determine custody or visitation. But they do give me a serious reason to question what happens when the pain of a former relationship becomes an occasion for harming someone else.

Suppose a mother prevents the father from seeing the child solely because she wishes to hurt her former spouse. Revenge would then be a serious moral concern. But if a father tries to use visits with a child to threaten or control the mother, the same demand for justice must be applied to him. And if there is an actual safety concern, I cannot simply declare every restriction an act of revenge. I have to know what happened before reaching that conclusion.

A boundary needed for the child’s safety and an obstacle erected to punish a former spouse are not the same thing. The task is to distinguish them without making the child’s life an experiment in parental anger. I wonder how often a human being honestly asks: Am I protecting this child, or am I using the language of protection to justify my own hurt? The verses do not tell me the answer in any unknown family. They do make that question morally unavoidable.

Verse references: 2:231, 65:2, 5:8.

7. Does the Child Belong to the Mother or the Father? The Measure of 2:233

Verse

2:233 — Divorced mothers shall nurse their infants two full years, if the father so wishes. The father shall provide the mother’s food and clothing equitably. No one shall be burdened beyond his ability. No mother shall beharmed on account of her infant, nor shall the father be harmed because of his infant. (If the father dies), his inheritor shall assume these responsibilities. If the infant’s parents mutually agree to part, after due consultation, they commit no error by doing so. You commit no error by hiring nursing mothers, so long as you pay them equitably. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is Seer of everything you do.

Reflection on the Verse

Verse 2:233 stands near the center of this reflection. It brings a divorced mother, a father, an infant, care, maintenance, consultation, and the prevention of harm into the same passage. What stops me most is the instruction that neither parent should be harmed on account of the infant. The existence of the child is not presented as permission to injure one another.

Still, the wording needs to be respected. The verse deals particularly with nursing and responsibilities during infancy. I cannot turn it into a timetable for every child’s visitation, a general rule on residence at every age, or a court order. It sets out practical responsibilities concerning nursing, equitable provision, and consultation. Its teaching cannot be reduced to the sentence “The child belongs to this parent.”

A father cannot simply abandon his responsibilities and insist that his desire to see the child excuses everything else. A mother cannot be imagined as an absolute owner of the child’s entire relationship with the father solely because she has provided daily care. Neither conclusion is supplied by 2:233. What I do find is a moral structure in which both parents have duties and neither should use the infant as an instrument of harm. The child’s wellbeing deserves more than the language of victory and defeat between adults.

Verse references: 2:233.

8. If the Mother Prevents Contact: The Father’s Duties and Limits

Verse

65:6 — You shall allow them to live in the same home in which they lived with you, and do not make life so miserable for them that they leave on their own. If they are pregnant, you shall spend on them until they give birth. If they nurse the infant, you shall pay them for this service. You shall maintain the amicable relations among you. If you disagree, you may hire another woman to nurse the child.

65:7 — The rich husband shall provide support in accordance with his means, and the poor shall provide according to the means that GOD bestowed upon him. GOD does not impose on any soul more than He has given it. GOD will provide ease after difficulty.

Reflection on the Verse

Consider a father who wants to see his daughter. She lives with her mother, and the mother refuses contact. I will not belittle the father’s grief. The possibility of years passing without a father and daughter being able to speak is deeply painful. Yet that grief does not give me knowledge of facts I have not examined. A refusal may arise from hostility, fear, an earlier injury, or several overlapping circumstances. It matters which of these is true.

Verse 65:6 calls for maintaining amicable relations after separation, while 65:7 deals with material support according to means. I see in their combination a challenge to the father as well as to the mother. A father who believes he is being denied contact should still examine his responsibilities for fair provision and conduct. Retaliating against the mother, using financial leverage as punishment, or pressing the child to take his side would not make his position more just.

What can he do? He can seek to verify the reasons for the refusal, offer safe and age-appropriate means of communication, and keep the child’s wellbeing ahead of his anger. Where needed, he may consider trustworthy mediation or appropriate protective institutions. I am not claiming these are procedural rules listed in 65:6-7. They are cautious practical possibilities informed by those verses, 2:233, and the demand for justice in 4:135. The Quran does not furnish a universal schedule specifying how many hours a father must be permitted to visit.

Verse references: 65:6-7, 2:233, 4:135.

9. A Daughter’s Relationship with Her Father: Must It Be Erased?

Verse

33:5 — You shall give your adopted children names that preserve their relationship to their genetic parents. This is more equitable in the sight of GOD. If you do not know their parents, then, as your brethren in religion, you shall treat them as members of your family. You do not commit a sin if you make a mistake in this respect; you are responsible for your purposeful intentions. GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful.

17:25 — Your Lord is fully aware of your innermost thoughts. If you maintain righteousness, He is Forgiver of those who repent.

Reflection on the Verse

Verse 33:5 speaks of adopted children’s names preserving their relationship to their genetic parents. It does not concern a divorced mother refusing visits with a father. I must preserve that context. Yet the verse’s concern that a child’s parental relationship not be misrepresented is worth noticing. A person’s family history should not be rewritten merely to reflect a conflict between adults.

A girl may grow up with her mother, deeply appreciate her care, and still wish to know or speak with her father. That longing is not evidence of ingratitude toward her mother. Equally, if she says she does not wish to see her father, it would be unfair to declare without investigation that the mother must have planted the feeling. The child’s own experiences, possible fears, age, and safety are part of the facts that deserve attention.

Verse 17:25 also restrains my tendency to decide what is hidden in another person’s heart. GOD knows innermost thoughts. I may not know whether a mother is acting maliciously or whether a father has caused harm. As a daughter matures, she may become better able to investigate, ask questions, and establish independent communication where doing so is safe. A young child, however, must not be required to solve the adults’ dispute by herself.

Verse references: 33:5, 17:25, 2:233.

10. Must a Daughter Choose Between Her Mother and Her Father?

Verse

4:135 — O you who believe, you shall be absolutely equitable, and observe GOD, when you serve as witnesses, even against yourselves, or your parents, or your relatives. Whether the accused is rich or poor, GOD takes care of both. Therefore, do not be biased by your personal wishes. If you deviate or disregard (this commandment), then GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do.

5:8 — O you who believe, you shall be absolutely equitable, and observe GOD, when you serve as witnesses. Do not be provoked by your conflicts with some people into committing injustice. You shall be absolutely equitable, for it is more righteous. You shall observe GOD. GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do.

Reflection on the Verse

“How can you be on both sides?” The question can sound natural in a bitter family conflict. But 4:135 demands justice even when it stands against one’s own parents. Verse 5:8 warns that conflict must not turn us toward injustice. Their combined force makes me ask a different question: Does loyalty mean concealing the truth, or can I love a person and still refuse to call that person’s mistake right?

A daughter living with her mother can love both parents. She does not have to erase one affection to prove the other. As she matures, she may examine what she has been told, calmly resist a false accusation, and refuse to repeat a story she believes untrue. But I must not turn these verses into a blanket order that a child must go to her father regardless of safety. Justice cannot be severed from the circumstances that affect a child.

The greater responsibility belongs to the adults. They should not force the child to testify for one side, to carry accusations, or to prove her love by hurting the other parent. A daughter should be able to say, “I love my mother, and I want to understand my father,” without hearing that the sentence is a betrayal. Sometimes the first sign of justice in a home is simply allowing a child to speak without making her afraid of the answer.

Verse references: 4:135, 5:8, 17:23-24.

11. Is One Parent’s Account the Whole Truth?

Verse

49:6 — O you who believe, if a wicked person brings any news to you, you shall first investigate, lest you commit injustice towards some people, out of ignorance, then become sorry and remorseful for what you have done.

17:36 — You shall not accept any information, unless you verify it for yourself. I have given you the hearing, the eyesight, and the brain, and you are responsible for using them.

Reflection on the Verse

“Your father never wanted you.” “Your mother turned you against me.” “I was the only one who sacrificed anything.” Statements like these affect more than the child’s knowledge; they shape her feelings about herself and the people she comes from. Verse 49:6 calls for investigating reports that may lead to injustice. Verse 17:36 calls us not to accept information without verification. The loudest account of a family history is not necessarily the whole account.

I must not misuse 49:6 either. The phrase describing a wicked person does not give me permission to attach that label to a mother or father simply because I disagree with their account. Memories may be incomplete, and real suffering can color how events are described. Investigation should mean examining what can be established, not rushing to brand one person a liar. If safety is in question, even verification needs to be pursued in a way that does not increase danger.

Affection for a father is no proof that every statement he makes is true. Gratitude toward a mother is no proof that her recollection settles every dispute. I hope a daughter can eventually inherit something better than her parents’ mutual accusations: the courage to seek the truth without learning to despise those who taught her to speak.

Verse references: 49:6, 17:36, 4:135.

12. Should an Injured Father Remain Silent or Speak Harshly?

Verse

4:148 — GOD does not like the utterance of bad language, unless one is treated with gross injustice. GOD is Hearer, Knower.

41:34 — Not equal is the good response and the bad response. You shall resort to the nicest possible response. Thus, the one who used to be your enemy, may become your best friend.

42:40 — Although the just requital for an injustice is an equivalent retribution, those who pardon and maintain righteousness are rewarded by GOD. He does not love the unjust.

Reflection on the Verse

Verse 4:148 does not simply close the mouth of someone who has been treated with gross injustice. Verse 42:40 speaks of just requital while keeping the value of forgiveness. Verse 41:34 calls for the best possible response. Read together, they leave me unconvinced by either of two easy answers: “Whatever happens, remain silent,” or “If you have been hurt, say whatever you wish.” In Responding to Evil with What Is Best, I reflected on why a just response and forgiveness should not be made into enemies. The distinction becomes especially difficult when family ties are involved.

If a father is truly being denied contact unjustly, he may describe what happened and seek equitable redress. He does not need to humiliate the mother before the child, circulate accusations he cannot establish, or frighten his daughter into taking his side. The same measure applies to a mother who has suffered injustice. I cannot claim to stand for justice while reserving the standard only for my preferred person.

Forgiveness must also be understood carefully. It does not render investigation unnecessary, nor does it require exposing a child to danger. Where the history is unknown, the best possible response may be a secure and carefully supported channel of contact rather than an immediate meeting. The choice depends on facts I may not possess. Whatever the outcome, the child’s heart should not be turned into the place where the adults conduct their revenge.

Verse references: 4:148, 41:34, 42:40, 5:8.

13. When a Child Announces Marriage, What Should the Father Do?

Verse

24:32 — You shall encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your male and female servants, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them from His grace. GOD is Bounteous, Knower.

30:21 — Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.

Reflection on the Verse

Now I want to consider another moment when a family relationship may become strained. An adult child says, “I want to get married.” Instead of discussing the decision, the father immediately makes a financial demand. Verse 24:32 encourages marriage among those who are single. Verse 30:21 describes tranquility, love, and care between spouses. Neither passage makes marriage a matter to be dismissed lightly.

Yet I cannot turn 24:32 into a command that every father must finance every part of a wedding. The verse specifies no such payment. Nor does encouraging marriage imply that every plan made by an adult child must be wise in every detail. A father may have valid concerns about debt, income, housing, and the responsibilities of the new household. Honest questions can be a form of care, not opposition.

But there is a moral difference between “Let us discuss how you will manage your future” and “If you do not give me the money I demand, you cannot stay here.” The first can invite understanding. The second may become a threat used to control the decision, depending on the real circumstances. Acknowledging that risk does not require me to assume every father who asks for money is acting in bad faith. It requires me to look at the demand rather than hide it behind the authority of parenthood.

Verse references: 24:32, 30:21, 4:135.

14. If Money Is Insufficient: Neither Recklessness Nor Despair

Verse

24:33 — Those who cannot afford to get married shall maintain morality until GOD provides for them from His grace. Those among your servants who wish to be freed in order to marry, you shall grant them their wish, once you realize that they are honest. And give them from GOD’s money that He has bestowed upon you. You shall not force your girls to commit prostitution, seeking the materials of this world, if they wish to be chaste. If anyone forces them, then GOD, seeing that they are forced, is Forgiver, Merciful.

17:28 — Even if you have to turn away from them, as you pursue the mercy of your Lord, you shall treat them in the nicest manner.

17:29 — You shall not keep your hand stingily tied to your neck, nor shall you foolishly open it up, lest you end up blamed and sorry.

Reflection on the Verse

Verse 24:33 counsels those unable to afford marriage to maintain their morality while awaiting provision. That balance matters beside the encouragement of marriage in 24:32. A sincere wish to marry does not make financial arithmetic disappear. Trusting GOD’s grace and examining one’s actual means need not be opposing attitudes.

Verse 17:28 speaks of kindness even when someone cannot provide assistance, while 17:29 warns against both miserliness and reckless spending. In the conversation between a father and a child planning marriage, these principles suggest the value of a truthful budget. If the household genuinely cannot pay its bills, that should be discussed. An adult child with income may be asked to contribute; someone with no resources cannot promise what does not exist. The child also has a responsibility not to build a marriage plan on invented income.

But 24:33 does not give a father unlimited power to postpone the child’s marriage. Nor does the call for kind speech in 17:28 imply that every request must be granted. Sometimes the most responsible words may be, “I cannot provide everything you want, but I will not frighten you or pretend that the difficulties do not exist.” I find more dignity in a difficult, truthful conversation than in financial ultimatums disguised as moral teaching.

Verse references: 24:33, 17:28-29, 24:32.

15. “Pay Me or Leave This House”: Where Does a Right End?

Verse

4:29 — O you who believe, do not consume each others’ properties illicitly—only mutually acceptable transactions are permitted. You shall not kill yourselves. GOD is Merciful towards you.

2:215 — They ask you about giving: say, “The charity you give shall go to the parents, the relatives, the orphans, the poor, and the traveling alien.” Any good you do, GOD is fully aware thereof.

Reflection on the Verse

Imagine a father telling an adult son or daughter, “If you do not pay me, you cannot live here.” The moral meaning of those words depends not only on how forcefully they were spoken, but on why the money is being requested and what conditions exist in the home. Verse 4:29 prohibits illicit consumption of one another’s property. Verse 2:215 places generosity toward parents among recognized forms of giving. Money can therefore involve both rights and mercy.

Requiring a reasonable contribution toward rent or household expenses from an employed adult child is not, by itself, condemned by these verses. Real household needs may exist. But when money becomes a means of punishing a marriage decision, frightening the child, or seizing an unreasonable share of earnings, the demand raises serious questions about justice. Treating these two situations as identical would not be careful thinking.

I cannot conclude either that “the father is always unjust” or that “it is his house, so every demand is a divine duty.” Was a contribution agreed upon? Is the amount within the child’s capacity? Is the warning motivated by financial need or anger over the proposed marriage? Is there a safe housing alternative? The verses provide measures for examining those questions. They do not establish an unrestricted right for an adult child to remain indefinitely in a parent’s property, nor do they endorse every threat of eviction.

Verse references: 4:29, 2:215, 4:135, 17:28-29.

16. How Can the Adult Child Respond to Such a Threat?

Verse

6:164 — Say, “Shall I seek other than GOD as a lord, when He is the Lord of all things? No soul benefits except from its own works, and none bears the burden of another. Ultimately, you return to your Lord, then He informs you regarding all your disputes.”

2:286 — GOD never burdens a soul beyond its means: to its credit is what it earns, and against it is what it commits. “Our Lord, do not condemn us if we forget or make mistakes. Our Lord, and protect us from blaspheming against You, like those before us have done. Our Lord, protect us from sinning until it becomes too late for us to repent. Pardon us and forgive us. You are our Lord and Master. Grant us victory over the disbelieving people.”

39:18 — They are the ones who examine all words, then follow the best. These are the ones whom GOD has guided; these are the ones who possess intelligence.

Reflection on the Verse

There are two responsibilities before the child in this situation: making a truthful decision about the future and preserving justice and respect toward the father. Verse 6:164 returns responsibility for one’s deeds to oneself. Verse 2:286 speaks of the limits of what a soul can bear. Verse 39:18 encourages examining words before following what is best. Family affection should not put thought and accountability to sleep.

The child may begin with a calm, practical conversation: “What contribution do you need for the household? Which expenses are unmet? What can I actually afford while planning marriage?” It would be good to recognize the father’s real needs. But promising money that cannot be paid, accepting a coercive condition without discussion, or severing the family relationship in anger are not the only possible responses. A respectful boundary, an honest budget, and a safe alternative housing plan can be considered together.

This example and the earlier divorce example meet at one principle: A child should not have to silence conscience merely to satisfy an adult’s demands. Yet independence does not grant permission to injure the other person. If a threat to housing is real and immediate, seeking safe accommodation and trustworthy support may be a prudent next step. I do not call that a detailed eviction ruling from the Quran; I regard it as a cautious practical response to the possibility of harm.

Verse references: 6:164, 2:286, 39:18, 17:23-24, 31:15.

17. Arabic Word Roots: Honoring, Harm, Consultation, and Justice

Verse

17:23 — Your Lord has decreed that you shall not worship except Him, and your parents shall be honored. As long as one or both of them live, you shall never say to them, “Uff” (the slightest gesture of annoyance), nor shall you shout at them; you shall treat them amicably.

31:15 — If they try to force you to set up any idols beside Me, do not obey them. But continue to treat them amicably in this world. You shall follow only the path of those who have submitted to Me. Ultimately, you all return to Me, then I will inform you of everything you have done.

2:233 — Divorced mothers shall nurse their infants two full years, if the father so wishes. The father shall provide the mother’s food and clothing equitably. No one shall be burdened beyond his ability. No mother shall beharmed on account of her infant, nor shall the father be harmed because of his infant. (If the father dies), his inheritor shall assume these responsibilities. If the infant’s parents mutually agree to part, after due consultation, they commit no error by doing so. You commit no error by hiring nursing mothers, so long as you pay them equitably. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is Seer of everything you do.

Reflection on the Verse

When I look more closely at Arabic roots, I do not want to imagine that I have discovered new commands hidden behind the plain wording. Root analysis can help me notice a relationship between expressions. It cannot replace the verse, or make a specific family ruling appear where the verse does not provide one.

و ل د (w-l-d): The form wālidayn in 17:23 refers to parents and belongs to the semantic field of birth and parenthood. The command does not limit honoring to only one parent. But this root does not tell me where a child should live after divorce.

ح س ن (ḥ-s-n): The form iḥsān in 17:23 belongs to the field of goodness and beautiful conduct. Rashad Khalifa’s Authorized English Translation uses the expression “your parents shall be honored”; the Turkish translation of the Authorized English Translation renders this with “ebeveynlerinize hürmet gösterilmesini.” The verse then makes respectful conduct concrete through the way one speaks and acts.

ط و ع (ṭ-w-ʿ) and ص ح ب (ṣ-ḥ-b): In 31:15, the expressions tuṭiʿhumā and ṣāḥibhumā concern obeying and accompanying or treating someone as a companion. The distinction matters: the verse calls for continuing amicable treatment even when the specific demand to commit idolatry is refused. That clear context must not be enlarged into a ready-made rule resolving every monetary dispute within a family.

ض ر ر (ḍ-r-r): The form tuḍārra in 2:233 belongs to the semantic field of harm. The prohibition against harming either parent on account of the infant makes me consider how easily a child can be used as an instrument of punishment. The verse’s direct context remains nursing and infant care; the root cannot yield a visitation schedule.

ش و ر (sh-w-r): Verse 2:233 uses tashāwur for consultation in the parents’ decision about weaning. The presence of consultation gives a moral place to discussing a child’s needs rather than imposing one person’s will. It is not, however, a complete legal procedure for every disagreement following divorce.

ق س ط (q-s-ṭ): The justice vocabulary of 4:135 places fairness above personal preferences even when one’s own parents are involved. Learning the root does not establish which parent is right. It reminds me of the measure by which the claims of both sides need to be examined.

Verse references: 17:23, 31:15, 2:233, 4:135.

18. Other Claims

Verse

2:233 — Divorced mothers shall nurse their infants two full years, if the father so wishes. The father shall provide the mother’s food and clothing equitably. No one shall be burdened beyond his ability. No mother shall beharmed on account of her infant, nor shall the father be harmed because of his infant. (If the father dies), his inheritor shall assume these responsibilities. If the infant’s parents mutually agree to part, after due consultation, they commit no error by doing so. You commit no error by hiring nursing mothers, so long as you pay them equitably. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is Seer of everything you do.

31:15 — If they try to force you to set up any idols beside Me, do not obey them. But continue to treat them amicably in this world. You shall follow only the path of those who have submitted to Me. Ultimately, you all return to Me, then I will inform you of everything you have done.

24:32 — You shall encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your male and female servants, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them from His grace. GOD is Bounteous, Knower.

Reflection on the Verse

Traditional and legal approaches may differ on where a child should live after divorce, who has various decision-making responsibilities, and how contact with each parent should take place. Some approaches place particular emphasis on maternal caregiving; others emphasize paternal authority. I do not want to equate these approaches with the exact and unchanging text of the verses. In particular, when a fixed age for changing custody or an unconditional visitation timetable is said to follow from 2:233, I would ask to see the additional reasoning rather than presenting the conclusion as the verse itself.

Another claim treats honoring one’s parents as obedience to every demand they make. Its opposite treats any disagreement as reason to cut off the family altogether. The wording of 31:15, which places a limit upon obedience while preserving amicable companionship, gives me reason to be cautious toward both generalizations. But I should not equate its direct subject of idolatrous coercion with every ordinary financial disagreement either.

Traditional views of material obligations may also differ concerning an adult child’s duty to support parents, property rights in a household, and marriage expenses. Verse 24:32 does not, by itself, command a father to pay unlimited wedding costs, and it does not approve every financial ultimatum. The law of the place where a family lives, the child’s age, immediate safety needs, and the evidence in a concrete case require separate attention. None should be portrayed as an additional absolute religious authority replacing the verses.

Verse references: 2:233, 31:15, 24:32, 4:135, 65:6-7.

19. Conclusion: Loving Parents Does Not Mean Abandoning Justice

Verse

17:23 — Your Lord has decreed that you shall not worship except Him, and your parents shall be honored. As long as one or both of them live, you shall never say to them, “Uff” (the slightest gesture of annoyance), nor shall you shout at them; you shall treat them amicably.

2:233 — Divorced mothers shall nurse their infants two full years, if the father so wishes. The father shall provide the mother’s food and clothing equitably. No one shall be burdened beyond his ability. No mother shall beharmed on account of her infant, nor shall the father be harmed because of his infant. (If the father dies), his inheritor shall assume these responsibilities. If the infant’s parents mutually agree to part, after due consultation, they commit no error by doing so. You commit no error by hiring nursing mothers, so long as you pay them equitably. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is Seer of everything you do.

4:135 — O you who believe, you shall be absolutely equitable, and observe GOD, when you serve as witnesses, even against yourselves, or your parents, or your relatives. Whether the accused is rich or poor, GOD takes care of both. Therefore, do not be biased by your personal wishes. If you deviate or disregard (this commandment), then GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do.

24:32 — You shall encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your male and female servants, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them from His grace. GOD is Bounteous, Knower.

Reflection on the Verse

I began by asking how a person should treat mother and father. The question now seems deeper: How do I love both without pretending that every action of either one is right? Verses 17:23-24 call me toward amicable conduct, humility, and gratitude. Verse 31:15 demonstrates that closeness is not unlimited obedience. Verse 4:135 asks me not to abandon justice even when those I love are involved.

When parents divorce, the child should not become their arbitrator, debt collector, or instrument of revenge. Verse 2:233 establishes a powerful measure through care, equitable support, consultation, and the prohibition against harming parents on account of an infant. If the mother prevents the child’s contact with the father, the reason deserves investigation. If the father wants contact, his responsibilities and the child’s safety must matter alongside his desire. A child’s wish to understand and safely relate to both parents deserves attention. But I cannot turn that into a visitation schedule or a demand for contact in every circumstance and attribute it directly to GOD.

A daughter may love her mother and still wonder about her father. She should not be made to apologize for that. She should not be required to lie about either parent, or to hate one as evidence of love for the other. If she is young, however, it is unfair to ask her to carry the burden of resolving the dispute. If there is a real concern about safety, that concern must be taken seriously before any meeting is arranged. Neither parent should forget that a child is a person, not an extension of a parent’s grievance.

The same demand for fairness appears when an adult child preparing for marriage hears, “Pay me or leave this house.” Verse 24:32 encourages marriage; 24:33 recognizes material limits; 2:215 reminds us of care for parents; and 4:29 makes unlawful taking of property a serious matter. I cannot manufacture from these passages either a father’s obligation to fund every wedding expense or a child’s unrestricted right to occupy a house indefinitely. But I can clearly examine the moral difference between dialogue and intimidation, a fair contribution and coercive extraction, truthfulness and anger.

If I truly bring these verses home, I think I will face a harder question than whether I managed to win an argument: Did I make another person’s love into a weapon against someone else? Submission to GOD cannot mean treating my influence within the family as limitless authority. Honor, mercy, truthful speech, and justice are not competing virtues. When I separate them, I may lose the test itself.

What I hope for is a family life in which a child is not crushed between two parents, and parents do not believe they must create fear to receive respect. Every family’s resolution may be different. But I find no basis in these verses for reserving justice for myself while denying it to the person on the other side of a painful relationship.

Verse references: 17:23-24, 31:15, 4:135, 2:233, 65:6-7, 24:32-33, 2:215, 4:29.

Note

2:32 — They said, “Be You glorified, we have no knowledge, except that which You have taught us. You are the Omniscient, Most Wise.”

GOD knows best.

Source: kuranteyit.com